Ups and Downs

One day I am picking out baby blankets; the next I am freezing a casserole to prepare for my surgery! I can't wait until that is OVER so I can fully look forward to being a mom. On the surgery front I am preparing to have EIGHT WEEKS off of recovery. On the adoption front we have started the first part of our home study. (so far a lot of paperwork, we have to get physicals, finger prints, submit a background check, and fill out MORE paperwork) We have 3 friends who are writing us reference letters and filling out questionnaires on us. After the first part is completed we have our first meeting with our social worker. Did everyone have a good Christmas. For my IF friends the holidays can be really hard and I think of everyone often!

Consultation

Today we had our consultation with the surgeon who is doing my hysterectomy. My endo is so bad a cancer doctor has to do the surgery. The recovery time is going to be 8 weeks no matter what. Best case scenario is that they are able to do it laproscopically (she uses robots) and I am only in the hospital one night. Scenario 2 is that there is a lot of endo and things are still connected and they have to do a full cut (I have already had this twice) and I am in the hospital 3-4 nights. Worst case scenario is that they have to do a bowel obstruction. (my ovary is connected to my bowel they just don't know how bad) I would be in the hospital at least 7 nights. We are hoping and praying for scenario one! We won't know until the day of. I have mixed feelings. It stresses me out to know I will be in so much pain again. It stresses me out to miss that much work. And it stresses me out to take 8 weeks off of work unpaid (my short term disability dropped me after my last surgery). It stresses me out that this is SO FINAL! I have a month to stress about it, my surgery is scheduled for January 21st.

Adoption Orientation

Well, we have turned in our application for domestic adoption with a local adoption agency! We are very excited about our decision. It finally seems like there is an end in sight. I plan on kicking butt on the home study and "speeding" (as much as you can speed) through it. We are pursing domestic adoption of a newborn-12 months. That is about our only criteria. We are excited to see where this journey takes us. (and the planner in me would love to start organizing the nursery)

Just can't do it...

I just can't seem to bring myself to make my change my site from an IVF blog to an adoption blog. I'm becoming more comfortable with it but there is something about putting it in writing that makes it seem more official. I've been researching the transition from infertility to adoption and haven't found a wonderful source yet. If anyone knows of any please let me know.

Numb

I wrote a post yesterday but deleted it. Here is a message I sent out to some of my closest friends that have been very supportive and loving. We found out some very bad news yesterday. It is too dangerous for me to even attempt IVF. My condition has worsened and I had a lot of abnormal bleeding and underwent a D and C last week. My ovary now has fluid around it and is still stuck to my intestines. (they can not risk stimulating the ovary) The endometreosis is now in my uterus and I have a condition in my uterine wall that is hardening it. (this eliminates the possibility of an egg donor or embryo adoption) The only solution is a full hysterectomy. The operation will not be an easy one and has to be done by a cancer doctor due to the endo connecting things that should not be connected. We meet with the surgeon on December 20th and we will know more after that. We appreciate everyone’s thoughts and prayers as we mourn the loss of our biological child. Once time has healed us we will look forward to starting our journey of adoption. Every penny we have saved up and continue to save up for IVF is still in our “baby savings account” including everything made at our fundraiser. Adoption is equally as expensive but at least we will for sure have a baby in the end. Even in all of this there is some silver lining. We are thankful to find out now before we have invested much more time and money into IVF. We are thankful that nothing found was cancerous. And I am MOST thankful for my wonderful husband who has been so supportive and loving!

It's out of my control now

It's out of my control now but I feel like crossing my fingers and crossing my toes that we get good news on Wednesday! We have our post-op appointment. I am hoping my OB has compared notes with my RE and they are going to have a beautiful plan in place to get me pregnant with my own biological child! Ok, now I might be going overboard with optimism! I DO hope they are honest with us about what our chances are so we can make an educated decision.

As if I wasn't going through enough I got my "friend" only a week after my D and C. Could my body cut me a LITTLE break. I was in SO much pain I had to take prescription pain killers a couple times (this is not normal people). I didn't know that I could get my "friend" after surgery so I called the on call doctor and her response was "take a pregnancy test." URG, if I COULD get pregnant I wouldn't be IN this situation. Not to mention doing the baby dance has been out of the question not only after surgery but plenty BEFORE surgery because i have been BLEEDING for THREE MONTHS!!!!!! There, I feel better!

Thanks for listening! Praying for and crossing every appendage possible for good news!

Thanks for NOTHING BCBS!

Even MORE bad news :-( They told me at work yesterday that our insurance plan is dropping ALL fertility coverage as of January 1st. Even IF our IVF doctor does clear us I doubt we can even get much going and through insurance by January! We were counting on SOME coverage at least for testing and drugs. Thanks for nothing! I am double covered by two insurance companies and NOTHING will be covered for IVF!!!

November ICLW

Thanks for stopping by to visit my blog. A little of my back story. I suffer from endometreosis, ovarian cysts, fibroids, polyps, and most recently irregular bleeding due to a thickened uterine wall. I have had several surgeries along the way. My husband and I have been struggling to save up for IVF. However, recent conditions have us starting to consider adoption or donor egg. The abundance of information is completely overwhelming. It's only the single most important decision of our lives. The cost of having children (preferably our own) is almost unbearable. The emotions of going through all of this is starting to take a toll on us (me in particular)! Though we have several friends and family members who are very supportive not everyone completely understands our situation! Comments that are not meant to be mean can hurt a lot! Face.book posts that to most seem normal about morning sickness, feeling a baby kick, or just snuggling with your children are often painful to read. This where I am in my journey, completely in limbo!!!! Thanks for every ones kind words and support!

D and C

Yesterday I had my D and C. All in all it went well. I had some cramping and my left ovary really hurt but they gave me some nice meds for that and I rested most of the day. I stayed home today as well because I think being anemic is just kicking my butt!! I need some rest! My hemoglobin had gone down because the iron pills haven't really kicked in yet. The most annoying part of the whole day was waiting to go into surgery. I was all prepped and waiting for my surgeon to arrive (who was running late). There were four rooms just separated by one wall and curtains and you could hear EVERYTHING! I know exactly what procedure everyone else was having. I know their medical history, if they smoke, if they are allergic to anything, etc. The patient across the way from me we refer to as "hill billy bob" was having hernia surgery, on his left side (which he marked for his doctor), he loved golf, he had had several surgeries before, he smoked 1/2 pack of cigarettes a day, he had 4 children, his father owned a golf course but fell out of a tree earlier this year. I even got to hear how he was going to have "swelling in his scrotum area" which he seemed pretty concerned about. I heard all about how to take care of his incisions, and then I heard him ask his doctor when they could resume "romance." OK, all of this was TMI!!!!!! It was a little entertaining but more annoying - it did make the time go faster. After surgery I came home and rested most of the night and took a few pain pills. Everything looked good inside of me. I had several "families" of polyps which my doctor still doesn't understand why this happened because of the drugs I was on. She said none of them looked cancerous but we will know for sure in a couple of days. She is going to call my IVF doctor and talk to her about the latest developments. I really do love my doctor and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else working on me!

Let it snow!

For those of you not in MN we got a quick reminder of what winter is like today. About 10 inches of BIG, HEAVY, WET snow fell. Tree branches were matted down by the white stuff and there were down power lines, fender benders, and spin outs everywhere!

Normally I would have sat on my couch with a cup of hot cocoa and just enjoyed being in a winter wonderland. However, it had to be the weekend we picked to replace our roof after a huge wind storm a couple weeks ago. Yesterday went very well and we were ahead of schedule but today was another story. What do ya do if your roof is half torn off and just covered by tarps?

Luckily we had wonderful people to help and I was not required to do much manual labor (yuk)! I sat with a heat pad most of the day on my left ovary which has been acting up. I did find time to put up our Christmas tree however. I figured this would help my mood and keep my mind off of things (like hubs falling off the roof and my upcoming surgery this week).

What a weekend!!!

Insert foot in mouth!

I had to open my big mouth and be optimistic? My doctor called me Thursday at work. Things have gone from bad to worse...My body is not responding to any of the drugs. My cyst is bigger, there is endo and scar tissue present, I still have fibroids, and there is fluid around my ovary. Oh this isn't the worse part, my uterus lining is STILL thickening and I have to have a D and C on Thursday. They fit me in right away which is good because my doctor said I will start bleeding again. I told her how much pain I was in last time. My doctor is going to call my RE (IVF doctor) to discuss what is going on and what the next step should be. My doctor also insisted that hubs and I both come in together to meet with her before the surgery. (not a good sign) I can't help but start preparing myself for the worst. The fact is things need to be a certain way to even try IVF. And in an IVF cycle it can be canceled at the drop of a hat if something just isn't right or a woman's body isn't responding properly. Yesterday I was very depressed for most of the day, lots of tears at work all while I was still in shock from everything happening so fast. The last thing I want right now is another surgery to even "prepare" my body. I think hubs is sad seeing me go through all of this. When I can home from work I just about lost it. Hubs came home and I lost it again. Today I feel numb. ...I can't help but wonder if my chances of ever having a child of my own are over. And why do none of my posts have the paragraph indent???? This is irritating me, haha!

Frustrated

I had my ultrasound today to find out if my bleeding "situation" had healed itself. I am optimistic. The doctor didn't call today (hopefully a good sign) and it didn't seem like they took a LOT of images of the uterus (hopefully another good sign). If it is good news I am going to immediately call the IVF clinic and request they do their own ultrasound to "reevaluate" what's going on down there. I know there is still endo and I know there is still part of the cyst on my ovary. If our chances of IVF working or not have gone up or down I want to know before we put TOO much money into IVF. If our chances are 40% is it worth it? If our chances are 20% is it worth it? URG, where is my crystal ball when I need it???

I promise...

Dreaming about how this will all work out in the end... I promise to never forget when I was infertile I promise to never forget that infertility affects 1 in 8 couples I promise to never take for granted the chance to have a child I promise to never forget the generosity my friends and family have shown us I promise to always support and pray for all infertile couples everywhere I promise to be the best parent I possibly can I promise to give God proper thanks for the gift he has given I promise to my child that I will love you unconditionally for eternity, no matter what. I already do!

Update

Being a TRUE blogger I guess I'm going to share EVERYTHING! I guess you never know if someone out there is going through the same thing right? After my Lupron shots the plan was to wait for a "normal" period so the IVF clinic could test my FSH. Well that never happened. About 6 weeks after my last shot I started bleeding and I mean BLEEDING!!! Very heavy and it lasted a long time. I didn't THINK it was normal then again I had been on drugs and my body had been through so much with the surgeries I thought maybe it was compensating for lost time. I went to the doctor (couldn't get into my normal doctor) and she tested to make sure I wasn't anemic and basically told me to "wait it out." After another couple weeks of bleeding she FINALLY ordered an ultrasound. I asked for my results be sent to my regular doctor. She called two days later and told me my uterus lining was thickened. I am now on progesterone for 10 days, which will cause me to bleed again because I have since stopped. I go back in a couple weeks for another ultrasound. If it is not back to normal I have to have a D & C. (I REALLY hope this doesn't have to happen!) Initially I really felt like it was a setback, however, I have had a little more time to let it settle in. I called the IVF clinic just to let them know what is going on. They don't really care until it comes down to IVF but I want to get started as soon as all of this is cleared up. It's Halloween, I am sick of seeing everyone's posts on FB about spending time with their kids, dressing up the kids, carving pumpkins with the kids...here is a picture of our kid!!!

Busy Week

Aww, I will be glad when this week is over! Wednesday I am in charge of a HUGE customer appreciation event at work. We expecting 340 customers and 23 vendors. Hubby has inventory at his store on Thursday and we have our fundraiser on Friday. I am VERY much looking forward to our fundraiser on Friday. I about break down in tears just thinking about how much love and support surrounds us. I was at my friends house last week helping to organize silent auction items. In a way I feel like I don't want to let everyone down who has been involved and who will attend the event. I think that is a good thing - it's motivational yet I feel a little pressure. I have an ultrasound on Thursday because I started bleeding on September 13th VERY heavily - towards the end of the month it let up a bit then started AGAIN and has only now just stopped. The OB doesn't seem TOO concerned about it. It could be a number of things (side effects from the Lupron, my cyst shedding, my fibroids, just two really bad periods, the uterine lining either thickening or thinning). I have chosen not to worry about it too much; my blood work came back okay and hopefully the ultrasound won't show anything. I am now within 5lbs of my goal weight so I plan on calling the IVF clinic early next week to start the next steps, FINALLY!!!!!

Celebrity IVF

Watch Giuliana and Bill's jouney through IVF. Thank you celebrity couples for talking about infertility!!! (even though you're making it look kind of stress free and the fact that you can just write out a check and not even flinch)

Mini Vacations

It's kind of been our "thing" this year to have little weekend get aways! This past weekend was no exception. We are enjoying our time together (yes, without children) and just enjoying each other! We hiked, we went to antique shops, we sat on the lake at a beautiful little restaurant; it was just lovely! My attitude is a little more positive than my last post but we still aren't going to the apple orchard! We DID however buy the dog a Halloween costume, sick, I know! Happy fall everyone! kinds of things do you like to do in the Fall?

Not in the mood

I'm TRYING to get into the Halloween spirit but I just wonder if the holidays are going to be kind of hard this year? I told my hubby NO apple orchard, NO pumpkin patch, NO dressing up, NO candy! We'll see when it comes down to it I usually love participating in holiday events.

Room to Grow

I haven't blogged in quite some time, I'm not going to make excuses. Here is one of the things we have been working on.

We have finished off our basement. When we moved in our home the basement was 1/2 finished off so it wasn't a HUGE undertaking but it has added SO much room to our home. I am not going to decorate much in hopes that we can soon make the space into a baby-friendly play area.

Our house has grown; now we are ready for our family to grow.

Financing IVF

A friend of mine sent me this article this week. There are reasons that I have become more public about my IVF. I think it does help people to understand how expensive that it is and that insurance doesn't cover many of the costs. I've said it before but we are SO blessed to have such wonderful friends who are planning a fundraiser for us which is taking off a lot of the "pressure" of financing. We are also blessed to have parents who really want grand kids and are willing to help out. My heart goes out to SO many couples who are forced to give up their dream of having their own children because of the expense. It's not fair! We're still kind of playing the waiting game for our IVF, along with getting our finances and insurance in order. Happy Friday everyone, we're headed to the state fair! One last big hurrah for the Summer but another 3 day weekend!

Wedding Anniversary

This coming Sunday my husband and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary. Our wedding was BEAUTIFUL, the weather was perfect, everything went off without a hitch and most importantly it was the happiest day of my life thus far. I could not have asked for a more loving, caring, understanding, and supportive husband. All of which I have needed a lot of this last year! Learning of my medical condition and going through a major surgery this past year has given us a huge challenge. I think what I love most about our marriage is how we handled it. Everyone says that marriages have good years and bad years and overall this year was a good year. We learned a lot about each other and handled things the best we could. While I hope that the next year of our marriage is blessed with the news of having our own baby, I don't have total control over it! For right now I will just be happy with remembering my wedding, honeymoon, and first year of marriage with fondness. I love you sweetie with all of my heart and I can't wait for many, many more anniversaries with you!

Blah

Work is stressful, money is stressful, the humidity has been about 75% for the last week, I'm dieting and craving sweets. . . thank GOODNESS tomorrow is Friday!!!!! (Oh, darn, it's Friday the 13th) Ha!

Hope

I'm starting to get the hang of this blogging thing, learning every day. I have found a lot of helpful blogs and advice at this site - so thank you!

As I am just beginning my journey of IVF there are so many questions and emotions running through my mind. Will it hurt? Will it work? What will I do if it does not work?

At this point I have just chosen to stay positive and go in with the attitude of "if it is meant to be it's meant to be." Don't get me wrong there is also part of me that is just terrified as to how I will react if it doesn't work. Will I feel like I let people down? Will I feel resentful that I will never have a child of my own?

At no one's fault, I don't have many people that I know personally going through similar situations so It's been so helpful to reach out to the IF world through blogging. Thanks to everyone who shares their very personal journey in hopes that it will help others.

The Waiting Game

This isn't the first and certainly won't be the last waiting period but we are kind of at a stand still for IVF. Seems like infertility is filled with waiting periods; the ultimate being waiting for a baby! I am done with my lupron shots. Now I have to wait a couple cycles until they can test my hormones; which ultimately is very important because it will determine whether we qualify for a cost sharing program or not. We are taking this time to save money, get in shape, and just enjoy our time together. We are trying to squeeze every last ounce out of what Summer is left! Everyone have a great weekend!

If I was a Millionaire

Last night my husband, brother-in-law and I participated in our town's Relay for Life (we were on team Hosers with the fire department my husband is on) . It's such a moving experience on so many levels. The Survivors walk around the track and everyone stands around and cheers them on. They are the faces of Cancer, young and old. Many walking with supportive family members, a spouse, a parent, and some with their young children. It really puts things in perspective and helps you realize you should be happy for your health and everything you have in life.

It makes me think. I am a strong believer of "pass it on." Many of our friends and family are willing to help us pursue our dream of IVF. I hope everyone knows that is willing to help that we are the type of people who appreciate SO much every ounce of energy someone puts into helping us and we plan to "pass it on" in ANY way that we can.

My ultimate dream would be to start a charity for families who give birth to stillborn babies to help them cover the cost of medical expenses. I can't imagine the pain of losing a baby (after realizing how people feel who want one SO badly). I then can only imagine the pain of receiving medical bills for your deceased baby weeks and months after their death. I would think it would be like mourning their death over and over, not to mention the stress of then paying for such a painful experience.

I only know how my medical bills have piled up this last year and quite frankly it is an annoying way to spend our money, especially when money is so tight so we can save for IVF. Of course it would be easier for me to achieve this dream if I was a millionaire or won the lottery! Possibly someday I could start something on some level with good fortune.

What would you want to do if you were a millionaire to help other people?

Article for Friends and Family

This recent article in Self magazine sheds some light on infertility. It's a good read for friends and family of couples suffering from IF. So many women complain about having to explain IF to everybody and it does get tiring. I will break down the article further in the future because it makes some good points. Enjoy the read. Find other blogs to follow at the link above.

Disgrace to the IF world

Self magazine has an article in their current issue that actually is shedding some light on infertility. I will blog more about it later because the article makes some very good points and it is a good read for people who can easily get pregnant to understand what infertile couples go through. However, Elle recently published this article; which is a disgrace to the IF world! Man, I wish there was a place to respond because I would give the author and Elle a piece of my not so fertile mertile mind! First, how can you go through fertility treatments and not understand the risk of multiples? The author of this article is so naive it is unbelievable. The focus of article is on how unappreciative the woman is that she got pregnant in the first place and that her and her husband are actually upset they got pregnant with twins. She claims they didn't understand the risks and they can't afford or handle twins. They eventually eliminate one of the babies - even after being so far along that they could tell the sex of the baby. Second, I understand the purpose of the article was not to focus on infertility treatment, but the author took the significance of the treatments for grated. She even stated that her husband's "crap" insurance paid for 3 rounds of IVF. REALLY? That is the BEST crap insurance I have ever heard of. That kind of crap insurance would change my life forever right now! Her terminology is often not even correct and makes the process sound as easy as going to the doctor and getting your blood pressure taken. Third, what kind of SANE people who have suffered from infertility would ever even CONSIDER eliminating a baby when you were pregnant with only twins? (unless there were serious medical reasons) If the purpose of the article was to debate the issue of selective reduction and the struggles that couples face it should NOT have been written about a couple pregnant with only twins! The reality is that MOST couples who suffer from infertility would be ecstatic to become pregnant with a singleton or twins. After going through infertility MOST couples appreciate the complexity of the process and would gladly accept any child as a gift from God. It's too bad that an article like this makes the IF world seem like they take things for granted when it is actually the opposite. I wish Elle would look into better sources next time! There are SO many beautiful stories out there that could be told - some with happy endings and others' aren't so fortunate but we seem to stick together no matter what.

Good luck!

I had my last crazy lady shot yesterday! AHH, momentous, 6 months of shots over with! Once a month I would have to leave work early to make my monthly visit, get my weight, get my shot, and usually a small chit chat with my doctor; then I would turn around on my way out and make my next appointment. It became routine. Since this was my last shot I only had a lab only appointment and I was thoroughly disappointed when some stranger [nurse] called my name. I was already to say "thank you" and "good bye" and "see you when I am pregnant" to my usual nurse whom I had bonded with over the last 6 months. She knew everything that I had gone through, she knew my cycle in and out, she knew all the symptoms I had been having, etc. While I am sure this stranger-nurse also could read my story I didn't feel like she had been with me through it all. To her I was just another needle in the arm! And finally, when it was all said and done, she gave me a "good luck!" As I walked out of the doctor's office I paused and became teary eyed. Did she understand the ramifications that "good luck" may have? Did she understand that "good luck" meant that my next visit to that office would hopefully be to hear a baby's heart beat? Did she understand that if I did NOT have "good luck" that meant that I would be back only for my yearly visits and probably eventually for a hysterectomy because I would deem my girl parts useless and nothing but a nuisance? I am sure that IVF is mostly science and that in all actuality there is little luck involved. However, to a point I believe there is some luck, faith, hope, karma, fate; however you would like to put it, involved. It's just funny how much that one little saying in just one little moment of my day had SO much meaning behind it! So to all my IF friends "good luck!"

Turning 30

So I turned 30 in May and I have to admit I wasn't really looking forward to it. Growing up 30 sounded so old. I can remember my parents when they were in their 30s! Growing up I had pictured 30 much different than what it really is. I figured by the time I was 30 I would be doing PR or Marketing for the Milwaukee Brewers, I would live in a nice house, drive a nice SUV, be married and have 2 children and a dog! WRONG! I am now 30, married for my second time, live in a small ranch house, drive an okay car, do marketing for a small company, and have a 1 1/2 year old yellow lab. BUT I am happier than I have ever been and I look forward to my 30's being the best years of my life! Probably the biggest thing I have learned in my 30 years is that life doesn't always play out the way you planned it! Life is a roller coaster filled with ups and downs. And I believe fully that everything happens for a reason. You may not always understand what the reason may be right away but eventually you will realize. Here's to 30 - the best decade of my life YET!

Our Baby - For Now

Many couples get a dog as a "trial" run for having children. Having a dog can train couples that it's not always possible to just get up and go away for the weekend. Disciplining a dog and deciding what is best for your dog can teach communication skills to couples. We are no exception but I feel we have had enough practice now!

• The dog is always well fed with fresh water and raw hides on hand
• The dog is disciplined when he is naughty
• We take the dog on lots of walks, we play fetch with him, and he owns lots of toys
• The dog is not home alone for longer than an 8 hour work day
• The dog is groomed and taken to the vet regularly
• We even clean up dog poop from the yard and dog hair from the house

He is a very happy and well taken care of puppy - am pretty sure we have the situation under control. Can we have a baby now?

Summer Fun

This weekend my husband and I spent the weekend camping with some high school friends of mine and their families. It was a beautiful, relaxing weekend, just like all Summer weekends should be! It's always nice to spend time with friends that have known you for a very long time. Even if you haven't seen each other in a while it's like you can pick right up where you left off. We met with our families to celebrate our turning 30 this year! Such a milestone. My friends all brought their beautiful little children and I had my child along (hubby) to play in the pool, take rides on the golf cart, and roast marshmallows around the campfire. It was the epitome of a summer weekend. I think we have started a tradition. It was so much fun to spend time with my friends' children for an extended period of time. Once they warmed up to the "strangers" it was hard to end play time and go to bed for the night. It was also nice to see hubby in "daddy" mode. It's possible that at next year's trip we will either be very pregnant or have a newly little one so we will have to play it by ear but regardless I look forward to another perfect summer weekend!

The 10 Second Rule

And NO, I am not talking about when you drop food on the floor and you have 1o seconds to pick it up before it becomes contaminated! My husband and I have our own 10 second rule. Every day you must participate in AT LEAST ONE 10 second rule. If one partner chooses to execute a 10 second rule both partners must engage in kissing, hugging, a back rub, gazing into each other's eyes, etc. Basically you must concentrate and show affection to your partner for 10 seconds in a row with no interruptions. This includes but is not limited to: no dog squeezing his way in between you, no gazing at the dirty dishes wondering when the cleaning fairy will appear, and no ball game on mute in the background! If any interruption shall occur your 10 seconds starts all over again. Now sometimes such an act may seem "silly" to you and your partner. If laughter should erupt, it is okay because you are still engaging in each others attention in a positive light. If you or your partner have had a particularly difficult day the 10 second rule becomes even more crucial. The purpose of the rule is to show each other how much you appreciate the other; even if the day has been stressful! It's the little things in life that mean the most like holding your partner close, saying I love you after an argument, or laughing so hard at each other's jokes that you snort!

Angels on Earth

I have said it before and I will probably say it a million times again but I am TRULY blessed to have wonderful friends and family who support us! Today at work I got an e-mail from a friend, she asked what I was up to. I was a little stressed out at work and not feeling well so I complained to her a bit. She then asked me if I wanted to hear something that would make my day a little brighter? Honestly, the first thought that crossed my mind was that she was going to tell me that someone we knew was pregnant - and to be honest I was at the point in my day where it would have made me cry. I reluctantly asked her what it was that was going to "brighten" my day. She then replied with an e-mail explaining that behind my back she had been planning a fundraiser for DH and I to help off set medical bills and the cost of IVF! I was floored, I immediately began sobbing but for a GOOD reason! I was overwhelmed with emotion and it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I am not usually one to ask for help but just to know that that many people care and love for you is enough support. The financial burden that couples face with infertility is not fair. It enrages me every time I get a bill in the mail saying that insurance has denied my claim stating "plan exclusion - charges related to infertility." I will never forget the act of kindness and I promise we will pass it on to others. I will also never forget that not all couples are as lucky as we are and I will do everything in my power to work towards changing that. We will forever be indebted to anyone that helps us out along the way; whether it be doctors lending their expertise, friends or family helping financially, or fellow bloggers sharing their stories that others can relate to. Life is a journey not meant to be traveled alone.

AF

Dear AF, You haven't visited me since March 9th. Why would you come suddenly and unannounced in the middle of my work day? I think that is very rude! Please give me a little notice next time and don't come again for a couple of months. I haven't missed you! Love, L

Expected to have Children

If I had a $1 for every time this past week I was asked when we were going to have children I would be able to treat myself to a pretty nice night out on the town! For some reason we came across several people we haven't seen in a while and who we aren't close enough to know what is going on. I don't think I should have to explain myself to everyone. I feel bad for couples who decide not to have children. I am sure that have they to answer to acquaintances all the time as to why they don't have children. After about a year of marriage or so, especially if you are closer to 30, you are expected to be expecting! I know most of those people who quizzed us about our fertility calendar don't have a clue what we are going through or they wouldn't have asked. But a person doesn't always know what others are going through. Think before you speak and pry about something so personal. There are no rules in life that say you have to get married, you have to have kids, you have to have a dog and a cat and a white picket fence. That's what makes the world interesting.

Support Staff

In any facet of life it is important to surround yourself with positive people who add happiness to your life. It is my belief that with a good support system you can make it through just about anything - that doesn't necessarily mean it will be easy but EASIER maybe. I am truly blessed with wonderful friends, family, and an incredible husband. Even though most of my friends don't understand what I am going through they are supportive and always have an open ear. My husband doesn't always show his emotions; like most men. But I know it affects him too. We are forced to be there for each other - we are battling this together. I sometimes feel like it is my fault that we are in this situation and it angers him that I would even have the tiniest thought of feeling guilty. Lets face it, the woman has to go through hell during IVF. My husband has ultimately let me make the decision if I want to go through all of the unnatural hormone therapy, the rigorous schedule of testing and taking medications, and the emotional and physical stress on my body. It is his support and understanding that will eventually get us through this. Whether it be reaching out to a friend, family member, or researching on the Internet it is important that you have a strong support system. I am forever grateful for everyone that is there for me and I love you all!

Treat Yourself

I decided that I wanted to create something to symbolize my journey. I wanted a symbol of hope, love, inspiration, fertility, and faith. A friend of mine is very talented at designing beautiful, unique jewelry. I asked her to design something for me and this is what she came up with. I love it! She calls it "All I Ever Wanted."

Each part of the necklace has meaning. The rose quartz stones represent love and fertility. They are said to protect the mother during pregnancy and protect the unborn fetus from miscarriage. The turtle is a symbol of fertility, strength, perseverance, and female power.

I don't really care what it is but I think it's important you find something that is meaningful to you to "treat" yourself - anything that is going to remind you of your journey and give you inspiration.

In my never ending quest to stay positive I am convinced that it is so important to make sure YOU are your number one priority! So many times in life people get caught up in worrying about everyone else, about work, about family and friends; but they don't take enough time out to do something for themselves.

This piece of jewelry will symbolize much more than just any necklace sitting in my jewelry box. It will forever represent a time in my life where nothing was a "given." It will represent a range of emotions from sadness and hope to hopefully someday pure joy.

Thanks Tyne! Please visit her blog at TyneBoden Necklaces

It Just Isn't Fair

I don't want my blog to be whiny or to seem like I am always complaining; however, anyone struggling with infertility has had days where they feel it just isn't fair. With that said, I know that there are a lot of people going through a lot of worse things than I am right now and I am grateful for the things I do have. Unfortunately though, I feel the need to complain just a little bit! I am MORE than happy for all of my friends who are all WONDERFUL parents! However, it's the parents who I don't feel deserve to be parents that anger me! Parents who abuse or neglect their children do not deserve the privilege of being a mother or a father. Parents who don't know what birth control is, live off of welfare, and keep bringing child after child into poverty - that's who bothers me! Believe it or not one of the TV shows I watch is 19 Kids and Counting. They don't believe in birth control and believe that God will give them as many children as he wants them to have and can handle. Does this mean that God doesn't think I can handle children? They can have 19 and all I am suffering to have one or two in a lifetime! I know my husband and I will be wonderful parents and I just find it frustrating that people can get pregnant when they are too immature to have a child, when they are having a "one night stand," or when they are addicted to drugs and we can't get pregnant and bring a child into a loving, stable, providing home.

Crazy Lady Shots

Tomorrow I go for my 5th $600 crazy lady shot! I call them my crazy lady shot because it is supposed to make your hormones go crazy and cause hot flashes. So far the side affects have been minimal. However, every time I go and get one I have to meet with my doctor to discuss how crazy they are making me! It's nice to see her though, she always asks where we are at in choosing an IVF clinic, etc. I like to believe that my doctor really does care if we have chosen a clinic yet. And I am sure that she DOES want the IVF to work for us! I don't really care if she is just giving me a line of bull because it makes me feel better knowing that she is looking out for my best interest. In a way these shots may be preparing me for IVF. I will get used to being even MORE of a pin cushion and it may soften the blow of the sticker shock for the IVF drugs. I mean $600? The needle IS pretty long but that's a monthly rent payment. Luckily insurance pays 80% because this is still considered treatment for my ovarian cysts. But all in all this all is preparing me for all those shots in the butt.

Insurance Companies

If insurance companies were smart they WOULD pay for IVF. Some other countries have it right, I just wish the US would get with it! In other countries where IVF is covered by insurance they often have a clause where they control the amount of eggs implanted. This reduces the risk of multiple births which in return would cost the insurance companies MUCH more money than IVF. It's too bad that infertility is seen as an "optional" medical expense. I didn't choose to be infertile just the same as someone doesn't choose to have a broken leg. It's not like I'm going to get a boob job and I want my insurance company to cover the expense! Some IVF clinics will try and "slip" things through to insurance companies. However, Insurance companies often automatically turn away anything submitted from a clinic with the word "infertility" in it. We had two consultations; both clinics charged us about $300. The clinic who had "Reproductive Medicine" in their name was paid for by the insurance company. The clinic who had "Infertility" in their name was denied for the same service. Insurance companies are not cut and dry by any means; then again, neither is IVF. You need to be a scientist to figure out what procedures, testing, and drugs are covered. And you need to be a detective to figure out what procedures, tests, and drugs you will need and how much each will cost. There is no easy answer! I want someone to give me a calendar associated with dollar amounts to figure this all out!

Money Money Money Money

I don't wish I necessarily had ALL the money in the world, but enough to not have to worry about it would be nice. I am a new homeowner, newly married, working a very "normal" office job, and I DO NOT have $16,000 laying around for IVF! I am not sure how many people in my situation would? It's depressing to go through the inner struggle of: Do I spend MORE than my life savings on a CHANCE to get pregnant? Or do we spend MORE than our life savings and go straight to adoption? My husband and I spent hours weighing the pros and cons. In our situation our decision was finally made when I found out I could get additional insurance that helped cover part of the expense. (we did, however find out that you still need to have the money up front and insurance reimburses you) I have heard of several ways that couples have financed IVF

• Loans (easier to get probably before the economy went down hill) I once had someone tell me that taking out a loan was like having an extra car payment for 5 years and it was well worth the price of being able to have their own children - she has twin girls through IVF
• Grants - there are IVF grants available depending on where you live and what your qualifications are
• Studies - some clinics may give a small discount if you agree to participate in any studies they have going on
• Mom and Dad - a lot of young couples may borrow money from a family member or receive a gift (this can be a tax write-off)
• Work your tail off - get a second job and put all the money away in a fund
• Fundraisers - I have even heard of couples holding fundraisers for themselves

My husband and I have decided that it is worth spending some of our hard-earned money for a CHANCE to have our own biological child. (and we do have parents who want to be grandparents bad enough to help out a bit as well!)

It's worth it to us to try at least once; if it is not meant to be, it isn't, but at least we will know that we tried.

Information Overload

I am very lucky in the sense that my husband and I don't have to go through several avenues of infertility therapy such as IUI and Clomid, etc. before trying IVF, which is often a last resort. But once a couple decides to go that route all the information can be overwhelming. How much is it going to cost? What does insurance cover? What are my odds? Which clinic/doctor is best? Is it worth the money? How many men with metal objects are going to be between my legs? I found it very hard to compare clinics and procedures - especially different costs. You also need to learn the IVF "lingo." At first I went into the process thinking I would go with whichever clinic is cheapest. However, after our experiences I feel it is more important to find the clinic you feel most comfortable with. This is probably one of the biggest decisions you will make as a couple and there is a chance it won't even work if you feel uncomfortable with your doctors or clinic. Start to shop around for a clinic

• Make a chart similar to this one that compare the cost of each clinic http://www.mcrh.com/MCRH-Cost-Comparison-Worksheet.pdf
• Find out what your insurance does and does not cover
• Attend seminars of a couple different clinics and get a feel for how each operates
• Ask lots of questions (you may have to pay for a private consultation)
• Ask what YOUR chances are (not what the overall clinic's success rates are-they are all about the same and the clinic has to include everyones stats so even if someone was given a 2% chance and they try and don't succeed it is counted)
• Research potential money back programs clinics may have. But find out before hand if you qualify for a program. (we assumed we would qualify and were extremely disappointed when we didn't)

I never promised any of this was going to be easy. In fact it is extremely overwhelming. You are still dealing with the emotions of infertility. I cried after every meeting/ seminar/ consultation that we had. It doesn't seem fair that you have to go through the procedures and financial burdens to conceive when everyone else just has to "boink" to get the same results.

Why Blog?

I am starting a blog, mainly for me - kind of like a diary. But if I write something that one person can relate to, that one person can get inspiration from, or if it gives one person a glimmer of hope; it is well worth it! I've wanted to be a mother pretty much since I was a child. I was always the one that played "mom" whenever we played house. I've always been the one "in charge" and "in control" of things. I never imagined that out of all my friends I would be the one to have fertility issues. For once I wasn't in control. I was married this year and my husband and I started TTC before we were even married. I didn't care if I was a pregnant bride. Children have always been in my future and they still are, now it's just a matter of how we are going to get there. One thing I have learned in life is that it does not always play out the way you planned it. But I am also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It is that attitude that is going to get me through this process. Whether God blesses us with a child of our own or a child to adopt, it was meant to be and I will be grateful. There are many stages one goes through while trying to conceive; anger, jealousy, frustration, and disappointment just to name a few. There are times when I have felt very alone just because I don't have any other close friends going through the same thing. However, the reality is that we are not alone. Without giving too many boring details - I have suffer from endometriosis and ovarian cysts. I have had two laparotomys and have been told that IVF is our only chance to "conceive" a baby of our own. Thus begins our journey of infertility...this thing called IVF.