It's out of my control now

It's out of my control now but I feel like crossing my fingers and crossing my toes that we get good news on Wednesday! We have our post-op appointment. I am hoping my OB has compared notes with my RE and they are going to have a beautiful plan in place to get me pregnant with my own biological child! Ok, now I might be going overboard with optimism! I DO hope they are honest with us about what our chances are so we can make an educated decision.

As if I wasn't going through enough I got my "friend" only a week after my D and C. Could my body cut me a LITTLE break. I was in SO much pain I had to take prescription pain killers a couple times (this is not normal people). I didn't know that I could get my "friend" after surgery so I called the on call doctor and her response was "take a pregnancy test." URG, if I COULD get pregnant I wouldn't be IN this situation. Not to mention doing the baby dance has been out of the question not only after surgery but plenty BEFORE surgery because i have been BLEEDING for THREE MONTHS!!!!!! There, I feel better!

Thanks for listening! Praying for and crossing every appendage possible for good news!

Thanks for NOTHING BCBS!

Even MORE bad news :-( They told me at work yesterday that our insurance plan is dropping ALL fertility coverage as of January 1st. Even IF our IVF doctor does clear us I doubt we can even get much going and through insurance by January! We were counting on SOME coverage at least for testing and drugs. Thanks for nothing! I am double covered by two insurance companies and NOTHING will be covered for IVF!!!

November ICLW

Thanks for stopping by to visit my blog. A little of my back story. I suffer from endometreosis, ovarian cysts, fibroids, polyps, and most recently irregular bleeding due to a thickened uterine wall. I have had several surgeries along the way. My husband and I have been struggling to save up for IVF. However, recent conditions have us starting to consider adoption or donor egg. The abundance of information is completely overwhelming. It's only the single most important decision of our lives. The cost of having children (preferably our own) is almost unbearable. The emotions of going through all of this is starting to take a toll on us (me in particular)! Though we have several friends and family members who are very supportive not everyone completely understands our situation! Comments that are not meant to be mean can hurt a lot! Face.book posts that to most seem normal about morning sickness, feeling a baby kick, or just snuggling with your children are often painful to read. This where I am in my journey, completely in limbo!!!! Thanks for every ones kind words and support!

D and C

Yesterday I had my D and C. All in all it went well. I had some cramping and my left ovary really hurt but they gave me some nice meds for that and I rested most of the day. I stayed home today as well because I think being anemic is just kicking my butt!! I need some rest! My hemoglobin had gone down because the iron pills haven't really kicked in yet. The most annoying part of the whole day was waiting to go into surgery. I was all prepped and waiting for my surgeon to arrive (who was running late). There were four rooms just separated by one wall and curtains and you could hear EVERYTHING! I know exactly what procedure everyone else was having. I know their medical history, if they smoke, if they are allergic to anything, etc. The patient across the way from me we refer to as "hill billy bob" was having hernia surgery, on his left side (which he marked for his doctor), he loved golf, he had had several surgeries before, he smoked 1/2 pack of cigarettes a day, he had 4 children, his father owned a golf course but fell out of a tree earlier this year. I even got to hear how he was going to have "swelling in his scrotum area" which he seemed pretty concerned about. I heard all about how to take care of his incisions, and then I heard him ask his doctor when they could resume "romance." OK, all of this was TMI!!!!!! It was a little entertaining but more annoying - it did make the time go faster. After surgery I came home and rested most of the night and took a few pain pills. Everything looked good inside of me. I had several "families" of polyps which my doctor still doesn't understand why this happened because of the drugs I was on. She said none of them looked cancerous but we will know for sure in a couple of days. She is going to call my IVF doctor and talk to her about the latest developments. I really do love my doctor and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else working on me!

Let it snow!

For those of you not in MN we got a quick reminder of what winter is like today. About 10 inches of BIG, HEAVY, WET snow fell. Tree branches were matted down by the white stuff and there were down power lines, fender benders, and spin outs everywhere!

Normally I would have sat on my couch with a cup of hot cocoa and just enjoyed being in a winter wonderland. However, it had to be the weekend we picked to replace our roof after a huge wind storm a couple weeks ago. Yesterday went very well and we were ahead of schedule but today was another story. What do ya do if your roof is half torn off and just covered by tarps?

Luckily we had wonderful people to help and I was not required to do much manual labor (yuk)! I sat with a heat pad most of the day on my left ovary which has been acting up. I did find time to put up our Christmas tree however. I figured this would help my mood and keep my mind off of things (like hubs falling off the roof and my upcoming surgery this week).

What a weekend!!!

Insert foot in mouth!

I had to open my big mouth and be optimistic? My doctor called me Thursday at work. Things have gone from bad to worse...My body is not responding to any of the drugs. My cyst is bigger, there is endo and scar tissue present, I still have fibroids, and there is fluid around my ovary. Oh this isn't the worse part, my uterus lining is STILL thickening and I have to have a D and C on Thursday. They fit me in right away which is good because my doctor said I will start bleeding again. I told her how much pain I was in last time. My doctor is going to call my RE (IVF doctor) to discuss what is going on and what the next step should be. My doctor also insisted that hubs and I both come in together to meet with her before the surgery. (not a good sign) I can't help but start preparing myself for the worst. The fact is things need to be a certain way to even try IVF. And in an IVF cycle it can be canceled at the drop of a hat if something just isn't right or a woman's body isn't responding properly. Yesterday I was very depressed for most of the day, lots of tears at work all while I was still in shock from everything happening so fast. The last thing I want right now is another surgery to even "prepare" my body. I think hubs is sad seeing me go through all of this. When I can home from work I just about lost it. Hubs came home and I lost it again. Today I feel numb. ...I can't help but wonder if my chances of ever having a child of my own are over. And why do none of my posts have the paragraph indent???? This is irritating me, haha!

Frustrated

I had my ultrasound today to find out if my bleeding "situation" had healed itself. I am optimistic. The doctor didn't call today (hopefully a good sign) and it didn't seem like they took a LOT of images of the uterus (hopefully another good sign). If it is good news I am going to immediately call the IVF clinic and request they do their own ultrasound to "reevaluate" what's going on down there. I know there is still endo and I know there is still part of the cyst on my ovary. If our chances of IVF working or not have gone up or down I want to know before we put TOO much money into IVF. If our chances are 40% is it worth it? If our chances are 20% is it worth it? URG, where is my crystal ball when I need it???

I promise...

Dreaming about how this will all work out in the end... I promise to never forget when I was infertile I promise to never forget that infertility affects 1 in 8 couples I promise to never take for granted the chance to have a child I promise to never forget the generosity my friends and family have shown us I promise to always support and pray for all infertile couples everywhere I promise to be the best parent I possibly can I promise to give God proper thanks for the gift he has given I promise to my child that I will love you unconditionally for eternity, no matter what. I already do!